Question:

My son (ten) has the desire to now select his own bedtime, his own meal choices, his own showering schedule, etc. Do I set firm rules that can never be adjusted, work with him, offer compromises, just allow him to do ANYTHING he wants with no rules, etc?

Answer:

Parenting style has been found to predict child well-being in the domains of social competence, academic performance, psychosocial development, and problem behavior. So let’s consider this in deciding the approach you want to take with your 10 year old son.

• Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative are more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are nonauthoritative.
• Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.
• Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
• Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

So what do you do? The consistency with which authoritative upbringing is associated with both instrumental and social competence and lower levels of problem behavior in both boys and girls at all developmental stages is really interesting. The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood.

The ‘trick’ appears to be to balance your demands that your son follow certain rules with your respect for his individuality. The result will be that your son will balance adhering to the rules and his personal need for individuation and autonomy. Discuss what his bedtime, meal choices and showering needs are and offer a compromise on schedule times if reasonable. Stick with the agreement and expect him to follow the rules!

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Disclaimer: This Q&A segment was created for your information and to present Dr. Nadia’s services to you. Responses will in no way be meant to substitute for individualized mental health therapy provided by a professional. No claim to cure, treat, diagnose or otherwise provide mental or behavioral healthcare is guaranteed, promised or implied by this segment.